Hello, here we go. First about me
I'm an activist, I dropped my job after the war started and joined multiple teams in non-profits as a volunteer. Before the war, I was a game developer.
The story: I left Russia before I turned 20, right after the Crimea annexation, as I knew that a bigger war was coming. Also as a Ukrainian descent person, I constantly heard from my parents - we are Ukrainians, we don't belong here.
Since December 2021 I was anxious, cause I knew Russia is getting ready. And no one believed me, everyone around we're saying - I'm mental and stuff like that. So when the war started, I actually felt relieved for a couple of hours, just from the fact that I wasn't blind or delusional. And then it hit me like a bus. I started to text my family, I knew our family (who lives in Ukraine) will fight.
In the first month, we lost multiple family members, and some of my friends get badly injured on a battlefield. (All from Ukraine).
I think I haven't felt so many things in my life, some days I couldn't stop crying for 11-14h. I was literally destroying my mental health for the first 5 months cause I was volunteering over the phone, in messengers and refugee camps. I have seen so much pain, I helped people who survived tortures, and I was fundraising money to find armour for my friends and many many other things. So as a result - I got PTSD, I still can start crying if I hear something about Azov Defenders or other war crimes.
I also remember the day when I run away from the cafe, cause a lot of people there knew me from the refugee camp. And they started telling each other whom and how I helped. Telling each other that God sent me and I just couldn't bare it. It was the moment I realized the whole horror of war, and how people can bond with a stranger on those emotional waves. A lot of families I helped became MY family, but at what cost... Even now I'm shaking as I write about it. I still have thoughts about killing myself after the war will be over. Cause I don't know how to live with all that pain, but for now, I hold on to the fact, that all these people still need me, and if I do it - it will ruin them. I think I stopped talking to most of my Russian friends, and after the mobilization news - the only thing I feel now about Russians - is disgust. Of course, most of my close circle feels the same, 45% of them - lost friends or family, so it's logical although I know that our minds are set to this degree of radicalism because of our losses. I think I lost the capacity for empathy towards them.